“Courtney, it says pregnant.”
I ran to the bathroom to see for myself. In big bold letters, the test said pregnant. I fell to my knees.
This can’t be happening. I cannot be pregnant? I’m not ready to be a mom? There is not a BABY inside of me.
I sat on the bed crying with my sister for a few hours, waiting for it to set in. I was in complete denial. And quite frankly, I was devastated. “This wasn’t how my life was supposed to go,” I thought.
After a few hours, I decided to tell my mom who has always been my calm in the chaos. I was TERRIFIED to tell her, but I knew I had to. I needed to. I desperately wanted her support, but feared her possible disappointment.
I called her upstairs and as soon as she walked in and saw my sister and I sitting on the bed teary eyed, she knew. “I’m pregnant,” I said. Without hesitation, she pulled me into a hug and told me she loved me. Through breathless sobs, I knew it was going to be okay. Having her immediate support eased so many of my fears, and I knew then it was time to tell Casey.
I drove to his house with shaky hands on the steering wheel. I didn’t even tell him I was coming over. I texted him that I was outside and when he came out, he knew something was up. We sat on his front porch and I just said it. “Casey, I’m pregnant.” He could see the fear in my eyes, and soon after I saw the fear in his. We hugged for so long, not saying anything.
I don’t remember the first words he spoke, but I know he told me he loves me. I know he told me he’d support me no matter what. He sat beside me with his face in his hands and his elbows on his knees for a long time. He needed time to process, as I already had for the past few hours. We hugged, we cried, we talked and assured each other we’d make it work. Though we were both extremely terrified and had no idea what the future would hold, we knew we were going to be in it together.
Later that night I went home and told my dad. If you know my dad you know he is the biggest teddy bear, but it was still hard and scary telling him. He had the same reaction as everyone before him. He was speechless at first. But soon after he hugged me and told me he loved me.
My parents called Casey that night to tell him they loved him and they are here for him. He was all alone in his college house trying to process news that changed his entire life. Casey now describes it as a “phone call he will never forget.”
The next day, Casey went home to tell his parents. While they were all sitting outside, moments after he had told them, they noticed a beautiful blue bird sitting on top of their fence. I point this out because when I told my mom sitting on my bed in my room, I just happened to look out the window and noticed a blue bird sitting right beside the window on the roof. That’s something that I normally wouldn’t have paid any attention too, but the fact that Casey and I both consciously noticed it AND told each other about it was a sign. I then looked up the meaning of seeing a blue bird and was brought so much comfort.
Throughout the next few days, I didn’t tell anyone else. I wanted to first schedule an OB/GYN appointment to make sure the baby was healthy. I also just needed time to process it on my own before I told any of my friends.
I saw a counselor who spoke so much truth into my life. I was so worried about what others would think of me and what they would say about me when people found out. I deeply feared judgement. But what she said to me I will carry with forever. She said, “Courtney, you do not bear the weight of other people’s judgements.” Wow. Let that one sink in. It was honestly a relief when she spoke that over me. I felt my shoulders relaxed and my head could rise in confidence. I wasn’t defined by anyone’s judgements. I am loved by my Creator and that fact triumphs any worldly opinions.
I felt more peace after that, but there were still many hard and lonely days to follow.
I wrote in my diary from April 25th, “I can’t believe this is my life.”
I remember the hardest thing about coming to terms with my pregnancy was letting go of the plan I had for my life, and wholeheartedly accepting the plan God had for my life. It was hard not being ready. It was hard not being married. It was hard still being in college. It was hard not having my friends or siblings or cousins or really anyone I was close to going through it with me. It was hard being in the middle of a pandemic. And all of these things are still hard. But I know it all happened for a greater purpose. His purpose.
There’s a beautiful quote I found peace in that says, “if you think you’ve blown God’s plan for your life rest in this: you, my friend, are not that powerful.” -Lisa Bevere
I would have never thought that I would be pregnant as a junior in college, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. This incredibly beautiful and challenging journey has been a humbling reminder that God’s plan is always greater. I look at my beautiful daughter Blakely now and all I feel is joy and gratitude.
The photo below is the devotional for the day I found out I was pregnant, but I believe that you can find peace in it too. If you are reading this and you are going through the same thing, please reach out! I’d love to talk to you and I’d love to pray for you.
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